My very dear Sarah
14 July 1861
Camp Clark, Washington [D.C.]
My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a
few days -- perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write
again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when
I shall be no more....
I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in
the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter.
I know how strongly American civilization now leans on the triumph of the
Government, and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the
blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing -- perfectly
willing -- to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this
Government, and to pay that debt....
Sarah my love for you is deathless, it seems to
bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break;
and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me
unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.
The memories of the blissful moments I have spent
with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you
that I have enjoyed them so long. And hard it is for me to give
them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we
might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to
honorable manhood, around us. I have, I know, but few and small
claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me -- perhaps it is
the wafted prayer of my litle Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones
unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah, never forget how much
I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it
will whisper your name. Forgive my many faults, and the many
pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have
often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears
every little spot upon your happiness....
But, O Sarah! if the dead can come back
to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be
near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . .
always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be
my breath[;] as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my
spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead; think
I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again....
[The war began one week later on the plains of
Manassas, Virginia. Major Sullivan Ballou of the 2nd Rhode
Island Infantry died there at the battle of Bull Run.]
SOURCE: Excerpted and reprinted in Geoffrey C. Ward,
et al., The Civil War: An Illustrated History (New York:
Alfred A. Knopf, 1990), pages 82-83.
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